Tuh-rayza Wants to Be Andrew Sullivan's Mommie

Borrowing from Mark Shea, 'Rats affirm their belief that there is nothing more glorious and holy in this world than homosexuality. Plus, the actor formerly known as Bennifer confirms he has the intellectual capacity of a door knob.

"If nothing else, you will have a mom in the White House," Teresa Heinz Kerry said before the packed hotel room of homosexual delegates and advocates.

"You're pushing the envelope, and we, as a country, have to respond with policies and cultural acceptance," said Mrs. Kerry, wife of Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry.

Dignity and respect are paramount qualities, she said. If any of the Kerry children were to say they were homosexual and wanted to marry their partner, she said, "I would ... share my joy and my pride with all my friends," just as if they were marrying someone of the opposite sex.

One of her better-known qualities, Mrs. Kerry added, is "that I like to nurture" people, and family members and friends sometimes call her "Dr. T" or "Momma T." As she departed, the crowd chanted, "Momma T, Momma T!"

Boston-born Mr. Affleck joked about his famous marriage woes, but quickly attacked political efforts to block same-sex "marriage." "As somebody, to be perfectly frank, who has enough trouble figuring out who to get married [to], I don't need the state or federal government telling me who I can or can't marry," said the star of "Good Will Hunting" and "Armageddon."